Sunday, December 21, 2008

Digressions over the year

Time flies when you're having fun, but more importantly, time flies when you're not. The first of my year consisted of coping with the loss of my forever dog and companion, Charlie. I was engulfed with grief. In fact, my last two months at Benning were a blur. I came home every day, in tears, took a shot of Bacardi...I do not have a drinking problem, it was one shot, and it almost felt like I had to have it to be able to walk into that house. Moving wasn't much better, we got here and I travelled all the time, and was alone, our house was empty. I was still engulfed with grief.

Then, when I was laid off, I decided to patch the pain and get another dog. My dad found me an appropriate little scrawny puppy. He was lanky and skinny. I had made up my mind that I really didn't think I wanted him, and he'd taken up with my dad and likewise, so I was prepared to not feel bad about leaving him to be my parents pet. Then we went home to visit and I saw him, and still, I didn't feel that immediate attachment, just an obligation to care for him. But he picked me out. Not knowing me and having an affection for my father, he latched on to me and would not let me out of his site. And it's been that way for the past 5 months.

We enjoy our trips to the beach on a regular weekend basis now. The pain of Charlie's death haunts me at least twice a day, and I miss him so much. But a little girl said it best yesterday at the beach...she was about 10 or 11 and she played with all the dogs, which is heaven for most dogs and their owners. She looked at one dog and said to me, you just have to understand them...what they want. All Charlie ever wanted was to be near me and me to be happy. Well, he is very near to me, even in death, and I suppose I am happy. I get to go to the beach every weekend, and it's December. I walked outside while ago and said it was hot and it's the official first day of winter. I miss Charlie, but he lives on in my soul. I remember that he never had a bad walk, all he ever wanted in life was to play and be around those he loved. And that's what I have in life, so I'm happy. Now that I know what it is to be happy again, I realize how much time I lost while I was sad.

I am going to try and savor every day next year. My resolution is to have no resolutions, but to seize each day and not become slave to "the house needs to be cleaned" or "I need to work late" but rather to become slave to taking a breath of fresh air and allowing it to calm me. I vow to "have a good walk" every day, dogs do, so why can't people.

1 comment:

Dr. Wifey said...

i am crying now...
what a beautiful post. as you know, i lost my dear Maggie last December, so I know the pain. sometimes i feel stupid for mourning over a dog - a DOG!- but she was more than that. she was my companion who had taken to me as much as i had taken to her. how can we not miss this soul which loves nothing more than being petted and loved and bringing happiness and a wagging tail into our lives?

i am glad that you have been able to heal, as i have (mostly). enjoy your walks :o)